A priest was walking down the street when he came across a lad sitting on the curb shaking a vial of clear liquid.
"What do you have there, my son"? asked the priest
"This? This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's turpentine".
The priest admonished the boy. "Son, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water; if you rub some on a pregnant woman's stomach, she'll pass a boy."
"That may be so, father," said the boy, "but it you rub some of this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle!"
A construction crew was doing a remodeling job on the house next store, and little 5 year old Suzie was just fascinated with the goings on. After a few days, some of the construction workers would let her hammer nails into scrap pieces of 2x4, carry notes to other crew members, pick up, and do little odd jobs. At the end of the first week, the foreman gave her an envelope containing a $10 bill and told her it was payment for the work she had done all week.
Sensing a "life lesson" moment, her mom took little Suzie to the bank to open a savings account with the money she had earned. While at the bank, the teller exclaimed, "My, that's a lot of money for a little girl...how did you get it?" Little Suzie proudly told her about the construction crew and her working for them, and getting paid for doing the various jobs she had done.
"Wow, that's great!" said the teller. "Are you going to be working with them again next week?"
"That all depends....." said little Suzie. "If them sonofabitchin bastards at Home Depot get their shit together and deliver that fuckin' drywall on time, I might."
Barak Obama was driving through a neighborhood when he saw a sign that said "Free to a good home: Democrat kittens". Intrigued, he told his secret service team to stop. He saw a little girl playing on the lawn with a box of kittens. He walked up and said "Hi, I'm President Obama". The little girl said "Hi, I'm Hannah".
"Can I see your kittens?" asked the President.
"Sure!", said Hannah "Their Democrat kittens." and she then proceeded to show each one to the President. Being pressed for time, Obama excused himself and said he had to go, and left Hannah playing with here "democrat" kittens on the lawn.
He told his cabinet about the cute "democrat" kittens and the little girl, and a few weeks later, he was riding in the same neighborhood with Joe Biden. He decided to go and see Hannah again and show Joe the cute "democrat" kittens, so he instructed the secret service to go back to the house.
As they came around the corner, there was the sign, but now it said "Free to a good home: Republican kittens". Confused, he saw Hannah on the lawn playing with her kittens, so he went to talk with her.
"Hello, Hannah.....do you remember me?"
"Oh, yes, Mr. President....you were here a few weeks ago", Hannah replied.
"I thought I would come by and show my friend Joe here your Democrat kittens, but now I see the sign says that they are "Republican kittens"?" asked Barak.
"Oh, yes....that's right" said Hannah. "They are now Republican kittens".
Barack looked puzzled. "Well Hannah, two weeks ago they were Democrat kittens, but now they are Republican kittens......what happened?" asked the President.
"Well", said Hannah, "Their eyes are open now.................."
