Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[Silence]

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

 

[Silence]

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

 

[Silence]

Molecule 1: I just lost an electron.
Molecule 2: Are you sure?
Molecule 1: I’m positive.

 

[Silence]

I would make another chemistry joke, but they ARGON.

 

[Jim Rea]

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"

 

[Silence]

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

 

[Jim Rea]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center

 

[UKHunter]

Any PH's, residents or hunters who have enjoyed some of the more 'cultural' pursuits Port Elizabeth has to offer will know where this picture above the urinals is...

 

[duckman90]

I will even whiteman dance for a shot at this hunt

 

[James.Grage]

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says,

"See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

 

[duckman90]

Pheasant shooting season is under way here in the UK.

View attachment 51029

The only thing that could make this better would be to have ace missing half of his tail feathers...

 

[James.Grage]

I have six siblings, three sisters and three brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

 

[James.Grage]

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, Iwas assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me. "Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."

 

[duckman90]

I have a buddy who missed 4 deer in 2 minutes.... He claims his rifle was off but we took it to the range and it was shooting bullseyes at 100 yards.

 

[James.Grage]

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

 

[duckman90]

I saw so much of this in Tanzania and Kenya... Most of the people who do this are bird watchers. SOme Lilac breasted roller or cory bustard would come into view and they would go crazy.... Meanwhile a leopard was stalking a gazelle 50 yards away behind them.

 

[Erny]

Did you know that Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

 

[Erny]

Did you know that when Chuck Norris jumps in water he does not get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.

 

[Erny]

DId you know that the boggy man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

 

[Erny]

Did you know that Chuck Norris does not dial a wrong number, you just answered the wrong phone.